By Paul Moore
Will beautiful Rosie prick her finger on a thorn of a rose and fall asleep for 100 years? Let’s hope not. Will Harry B East ever find someone to love him for who his is on the inside? Not if Big Mal has anything to do with it.
The cleverly combined tale of two classic fairy stories in one hilarious new Pantomime by Paul Moore.
Running time approx 100 minutes
Cast Moll T Tasker (M), Cooper Cashman (M), Rosie (F), Harry B East/Prince Astaire (M/F), Nobby d’Knowes (M/F), Flabber and Gasted (M/F), Camellia and Holly (F), Big Mal (M/F), Greta Gateaux (M/F), Conn Sole (M/F), various chorus parts.
Scenes The Village, The Beast’s Castle, A Garden, Merchant’s Office
An excerpt from Sleeping Beauty & The Beast
ACT 1
Scene 2
Front cloth or tabs. Malodorous and Nobby enter, Stage Left, possibly to the famous intro, then chorus, of ‘Bad’ by Michael Jackson, by way of introduction to the show’s ‘baddies’.
Song 2
Malodorous (to Nobby) Oh my days, Nobby! Take a look at this lot! What a bunch of utter savages we have here!
Nobby A frightful crowd, indeed, Big Mal. And they may not even be aware of your greatness, oh great one! I’d better let them know how great you are, then. (To audience) Listen up, you brutes of Bangor [alliterate, here, in accordance with the panto’s locality] and further afield, this, right here, is Big Mal, who is the King – and Queen – of the Fairies round these parts. A bit of respect for their greatness, if you please.
Malodorous I’m not at all pleased to meet you. In fact, the pleasure is all yours. I do hope you humans aren’t going to be a problem for us today. You should be very, very careful, or you might find yourselves falling under one of Big Mal’s legendary evil spells! Sort them out, Nobby, for Goodness’ sake!
Audience reacts.
Nobby Oi! We don’t want to hear any of that booing and hissing. That’s bullying, that is! And harassment!
Malodorous Just like those awful folks in the village. I’m well aware that they call me Malodorous behind my back and complain about ‘that horrible smell.’ (Loud fart Sound FX is heard.) Oops, sorry! I suppose that isn’t going to help my reputation, but I don’t like the whiff of you lot either! This, by the way, is my trusty servant and pet human: Norbert/Nora-Betty d’ Knowes – Nobby for short.
Nobby I’d forgotten that!
Malodorous S/he is somewhat forgetful, and quite often can’t remember his/her own name, so if s/he asks: “What’s my name?” you can all help him/her out by shouting out ‘Nobby d’Knowes” as loud as you can? Let’s have a try: What’s your name, Nobby?
Nobby I don’t remember. What is my name?
Audience Reacts
Nobby I’m sure that somebody knows what my name is! Let’s try that again. What’s my name?
Audience Reacts
Malodorous Silence! This could go on forever! Anyway, back to the plot before I lose it altogether! Today, I’m one excited fairy. Six months I’ve been waiting for the Trader’s ships to return, and today’s the day I pick up the special supplies that the Trader promised he’d get for me. There’s a faerie thorn tree, and some Groundsel and Foxgloves coming my way.
Nobby Yes, indeed! All magical plants that don’t normally grow here – in fact, I hear there’s only one other faerie thorn in the entire country. Big Mal will soon be known as the Fairy with the greatest magical plant collection ever. And, boss, your spells will be even stronger – and more evil – than before!
Malodorous I know! I really can’t wait. (looks off S/R) Ah, here comes that Cash fellow now.
Cooper Cash enters, Stage Right, wrinkling his nose as if at an unpleasant smell.
Cooper Ahh, Big Mal! I was hoping to run into you.
Malodorous That’s not what your face is telling me.
Cooper No, really. I need to give you some news.
Malodorous What you need to give me is the tree and the plants that I’ve paid you handsomely for. Where are they? Nobby here can go and pick them up later today.
Cooper I’m afraid I don’t have them. All but one of my ships sank off the Black rocks last night. My crew had managed to get your faerie thorn and all the other stuff you ordered…
Nobby And paid for…
Cooper …and paid for, yes, but your load was on one of the ships that went down. I’m sorry, but there’s really nothing I can do.
Malodorous Sorry indeed? What goods did you manage to save from the one ship that didn’t go down?
Cooper A few dresses and gowns. And dressing gowns.
Nobby (Angrily) Oh, I see! You made sure your daughters still have some lovely new things to wear…
Malodorous (even more angry) But you couldn’t be bothered to look after some mucky old plants for some smelly old Fairy – is that it?
Greta Gateaux glides on, Stage Right, in a cat-like slinky fashion – Greta pays close attention to the conversation, but is ignored by Cooper, Mal and Nobby.
Cooper It’s not like that at all. My daughters won’t be getting any of the clothes we rescued. We’ll have to sell them just to keep the business afloat.
Nobby It doesn’t sound like you’re able to keep very much afloat, Mr Cash.
Malodorous Tell me. When you took my money and promised you’d bring back my trees and my plants, did you know exactly who you were dealing with?
Cooper I knew you were an important Fairy, and one who was known to have a bit of a temper as well as a certain – erm – aroma. But you offered a very good price, so I thought “fair enough”.
Malodorous Leave my cousin Nuff out of this.
Cooper Eh?
Malodorous Never mind. If you knew I was a Fairy, then you should have known that you must never cross a Fairy. Fairy crossing is dangerous and always has unpleasant consequences. You have failed me, Mr Cash, and to fail me is to cross me.
Cooper But I didn’t know any of this would happen, and I didn’t mean to lose your tree, or the plants. I’ll pay your money back as soon as I can.
Nobby We’ll make sure that you do, but you can’t give big Mal back the six months they have waited for their special plants – and particularly for that tree.
Malodorous Nor can you stop me being a laughingstock when the other Faerie Folk find out that I haven’t got the magical garden I told them I was getting. Consequences, Mr Cash.
Cooper What will you do?
Malodorous A curse, I think. An evil spell, that a trader cannot buy or sell. And even though I may be reviled, my curse is on your youngest child.
Cooper No! Not my Rosie! Curse me instead!
Malodorous Your daughter’s name sounds just like a rose, so this is how my evil spell goes. A prick from a thorn will end in tears – she’ll fall asleep for one hundred years.
A magical musical sound FX is played to signify that the curse has been placed. Greta Gateau twitches her tail and makes an angry hissing sound, muttering and moving ominously towards Big Mal and Nobby, who both look slightly worried. A shorter, and slightly different, magical musical sound FX plays, though this isn’t noticed by Mal, Nobby or Cooper.
Malodorous I am, however, a reasonable mythical creature, so if you manage to get me another faerie thorn tree, and my money back, within one week, I am prepared to cancel my curse. In the meantime, you should keep your mangy cat under control. Or she might be next to get on the wrong side of one of my spells. Come along, Nobby d’Knowes! (Malodorous and Nobby exit, Stage Left.)
Cooper My cat? I don’t have a cat. I thought it was your cat, or a stray cat. (Shouting off) Come back! You can’t do this. You’re evil! Even this cat knows it! (Addressing the cat) By the way, thank you, cat, for standing up to that awful fairy and her snivelling sidekick. What on earth am I going to do now?
Greta You are welcome. My name is Greta Gateaux, and I am a friendly cat that’s here to try and help with that.
Cooper (Looking completely shocked) You can talk?
Blackout
Please contact us for a reading script