A Wild West Panto by Dave Buchanan
Plot Summary
Belle Starr’s nephew Billy arrives in the town of Moose Creek to claim his inheritance – a claim to a gold mine. But Black Bart rides into town and shoots it up. He steals Billy’s map and kidnaps his girl friend Annie Oaktree. Billy, Belle and Sheriff Roscoe T. Witt have a hilarious encounter with Geronimo, Big Chief of the Choctaws. Later they recover the map and go looking for gold in the ghost town of Tumbleweed. When Bart’s brother Black Jack arrives on the noonday train bent on vengeance, the scene is set for the Final Showdown on Main Street.
This panto is an amalgam of all the Westerns you’ve ever seen, from “High Noon” to “Son of Paleface”, and from “Calamity Jane” to “The Good The Bad and The Ugly”, and is a rootin’ tootin’ shootin’ fun classic.
Cast
Roscoe T Witt – the sheriff, Belle Starr – the dame, Clyde & Skeeter – cowpokes, Mr Jinks – Belle’s cat, Annie Oaktree – the heroine, Billy Starr – Belle’s nephew, Black Bart – a bank robber, Bert – Bart’s sidekick, Sam – a bandit, Long Tall Sal – a bandit, Little Sal – a bandit, Geronimo – chief of the Choctaws, White Dove – an Indian girl, Black Jack – Bart’s brother, Chorus of Townspeople & Indians
Place – the town of Moose Creek
Time – 1870s
An excerpt from Geronimo!
ACT 1
Scene 1
The Main Street of the town of Moose Creek
At the back there is a raised sidewalk the length of the stage with a step down the full length. There is a hitching post at L and at Centre a public notice board
The backdrop is of typical Western stores, with signs as follows: “The Golden Nugget Saloon”, “Hardware Store Prop. T. Irons”, “Livery Stable”, and “Moose Creek Bank”
On curtain the Chorus is onstage
Song 1
After the song, Sheriff Roscoe T Witt enters R, carrying a poster and a prop hammer
Roscoe Howdy, folks!
Chorus Howdy, Roscoe!
Roscoe Say, folks, did you hear about Brown Paper Pete?
Townsperson 1 Who’s he?
Roscoe Well, he’s got pants made of brown paper, coat made of brown paper, waistcoat and shirt made of brown paper. Why his hat is even made of brown paper.
Townsperson 2 What’s he wanted for?
Roscoe Rustling!
Laughs
Townsperson 1 Say, Roscoe, what you got in that there poster?
Roscoe Well now that would be telling. I could say it was an advert for the next performance by the (local drama club). But it ain’t! I could say it was an announcement of a Bring and Buy Sale and Coffee Morning by the W.I. But it ain’t that neither.
Townsperson 2 Well what is it then?
Townsperson 1 Yeah come on, Roscoe, tell us what it is!
Chorus Yeah!
Roscoe Now don’t be too darned hasty. I’ll just put it up here and then you can all read it. Now then.
He holds the poster up against the board. Then he puts an (imaginary) nail up to it
Roscoe Say, pardner, can you lend a hand?
Townsperson 1 Sure thing, Roscoe.
Roscoe Now when I nod my head, you hit it.
Townsperson 1 Are you sure, Roscoe?
Roscoe Why sure I’m sure. When I say hit it, I mean hit it.
Townsperson 1 Well if you’re sure. . .
Roscoe Give it a real good bang. Ready?
Townsperson 1 Ready.
Roscoe Right, hit it.
He nods, and the Townsperson hits him on the head. Everyone laughs, except Roscoe
You lunkhead! When I said hit it, I meant hit the nail, not my head!
Chorus Oh no you didn’t!
Roscoe Oh yes I did!
More of this, ad-lib
Anyhow, I’m gonna read out what it says, just in case any of you folks can’t read. (He reads) “Reward of 100 dollars -“
Chorus One hundred dollars!
Roscoe “Wanted for bank robbing, cattle rustling, sheep stealing and causing general mayhem”.
Townsperson 2 Who’s he?
Roscoe Who’s who?
Townsperson 2 General Mayhem!
Laughs
Roscoe I will ignore that. “Bartholomew McGraw, also known as Black Bart”.
Chorus (horrified) Black Bart!
Roscoe (confidentially) There’s a rumour that he’s riding this way with his gang.
Chorus Oh no!
Roscoe Now folks this is a law-abiding town. And I aim to keep it that way. With your help.
Townsperson 1 What do you mean, Roscoe?
Roscoe I mean, I’m gonna raise a posse. From amongst all you good folks.
Townsperson 2 A posse? Isn’t there an alternative?
Roscoe What do you mean? What else could we do?
Townsperson 2 Hide?
Cries of agreement from the Chorus. At this point, Belle Starr, the Dame, appears R
Belle Hi there folks!
Chorus Hi there, Belle!
Belle Hi there, Roscoe!
Roscoe Howdy, Belle.
Belle Did I hear you say something about my cat, Mr Jinks? Who as you all know has been missing for a while. I don’t know what’s happened to the little rascal. He must be out on the ran-dan. I guess I’ll have to cut his –
Townsperson 1 His what?
Belle Why, his rations of course! What did you think I was going to do?
Roscoe Well, I don’t believe I did mention Mr Jinks, Belle.
Belle Yes, you did! As I came out of my saloon, I distinctly heard you. You were all talking about my pussy.
Roscoe Posse, not pussy! I’m raising a posse, to catch Black Bart.
The Chorus begin to drift off
Belle Black Bart’s coming here? Well I never did. I haven’t seen Bart since we went to college together.
Roscoe You went to college with Black Bart?
Belle Well of course I knew him as Bartholomew then. Such a nice feller – quiet and modest.
Roscoe Are we talking about the same feller, Belle? Why he’s the meanest, most ornery outlaw since Jesse James.
Belle Jesse James, I knew her well! And I knew Bartholomew well as well. Very powerful man. What you could call a gentle giant. You know how in the song Davy Crockett “killed him a bear when he was only three”? Well Bartholomew killed him a bear when he was only two and a half!
Roscoe Well I still don’t think we’re talking about the same person. Why Bart’s a no-good varmint.
Belle Not when I knew him. Something must have changed him. I know. It must have been the time we split up. On account of I saw him with another gal. I wouldn’t have minded but it was my best friend Mable Steer, the cow! I said to him, “You’ve broke my heart, Bart. Played around with that tart, Bart. Now we must part, Bart.” Well he was devastated. He was sick as a parrot. “Belle”, he said, “I’m not gonna wash myself until we get together again.” And you know something, he never did wash himself.
Roscoe When was that?
Belle Twenty one years ago.
Roscoe Bart’s not washed hisself for twenty one years?
Belle Nope. That’s why he’s called Black Bart! That’s the real reason why nobody likes to be up real close to him. Why a skunk’s got nothing on him. They say you can smell him a mile away if the wind’s blowing in the wrong direction! You’ll know when Bart hits town, believe me.
Roscoe Well, Belle, if you’ll pardon me, I’ve gotta go catch me some outlaws.
Belle Well, Roscoe, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.
Roscoe So long, bellissima!
Belle So long, handsome! (She flutters her eyelids)
Roscoe Aw shucks! (He exits R)
Belle Bellissima? What do you reckon, folks, do you think that means what I think that means? Course that might mean nothing. I remember once he called me his little treasure. And then he said, “That’s cos folks often ask me where I dug you up!” Some times, of course, you just never can tell with a man. They’re such mysterious creatures, don’t you think, girls? Why, sometimes just when you think you got a man, they seem to slip right through your fingers. Listen, you know what? I feel a song coming on.
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